


ix; Over my Dead Body

by Theo_Thaur



Series: 31 Days of TUA Whump [9]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Fluffy Ending, Gen, Halloween, Klaus Hargreeves-centric, Not as whump-y as some of the other fics in this, Oneshot, Ronald Regan is just a plot mechanism, Teen Years, Whump, Whumptober 2020, Young Hargreeves Family, Young Klaus Hargreeves, can you tell I didn't know how to fill this prompt, it's very on brand for TUA to use a presidential death for plot purposes, not a political fic, yes I tagged Ronald Regan as a character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:21:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26938825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theo_Thaur/pseuds/Theo_Thaur
Summary: Whumptober 2020 submission. No 9. "FOR THE GREATER GOOD": “Take Me Instead”, "Run!”------Klaus had recently celebrated his 15th birthday, and as an upstanding young man, attempts to come off drugs so he can dropkick Ronald Regan's ghost. Sounds stupid, but again, 15 year old Klaus. It backfires greatly.
Relationships: Klaus Hargreeves & Everyone, Klaus Hargreeves & God
Series: 31 Days of TUA Whump [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1951234
Kudos: 30
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	ix; Over my Dead Body

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGERS: self-harm, suicide, drug references, mentioned underage drinking, implied past of drug abuse.

_xi; Over my Dead Body_

The veil was said to be thinnest on All Hallows' Eve, and as a certified ghost whisperer, Klaus honestly couldn't say. He'd spent the last seven odd years trying to actually not find out the answer to that very question. Or rather, he'd always been trying to not know, but suddenly had come across ways to not know _much_ better. So yeah. Halloween was spent especially high as a kite, and none of it really mattered because it wasn't like Reggie had been scrambling to take them out for Trick or Treating. In fact, Halloween was spent just like most nights, except looking out the windows meant possibly watching a few twenty-somethings out on a bar crawl. Grace wasn't even allowed to whip up something sweet; Reginald didn't see a point in Halloween and limited the amount of sugar they could consume. In years prior, there'd still been sneak outs, obviously, to normal suburban neighborhoods. Neighborhoods where the parents at the doors asked them why they were out on their own and expressed worry, where they didn't pick apart every piece of hand made (and sometimes half-assed) costumes. Out of all of them, Diego was the most likely to wear his uniform out and claim to have dressed up as The Kraken. Go figure. 

There'd only been a slim number of years between 'old enough to want to sneak out and not getting caught' and 'too old to trick or treat because it isn't cool anymore'. Besides, Diego and Ben had been his usual trick or treat allies --though Five had his own scheme to generate candy by blinking around--, and Diego and Ben were both the type that ran from house to house. Klaus' idea of fun actually wasn't running from house to house as quickly as possible, because he had to do enough unnecessary exertion for training in the academy. Diego had formally dropped out from their group that year because he didn't want Allison to see the candy and tease him for being a baby, like last year. More or less officially, Ben had also said he was probably going to be busy either reading through something Vanya had recommended or pranking the house --the duality of Ben. Ben had also said something about Luther's hand and cold pasta or a bowl of water but Klaus had honestly stopped listening by that point. He had plans of his own.

But it was a plan that had required some sacrifice, first. Namely Klaus had gotten sober, and no, his plan wasn't turning his life around while he was still a teenager. He didn't think he had any _problems_ , he just didn't really vibe well with being sober. He was funnier while his brain wasn't in a normal state, easier to be around, and preferred himself that way too. Honestly Klaus felt like he was doing the whole house a huge favor by smoking weed more than he had a couple years ago. It was harder than he'd anticipated to get clean, although it was only supposed to be temporary. Actually, Klaus had been planning on fiddling with the afterlife ever since Regan had kicked the bucket four months ago. Buuuut he hadn't been able to get clean after a couple tries and decided to give up and wait until Halloween because hopefully it would be a much higher quality experience. 

He'd sort of brushed right past that one part, huh? Well, if anyone was going to meddle with political affairs, Klaus figured he'd take the first turn. As a newly inspired, somewhat angry teen, he had some _friendly questions_ he wanted to ask Regan. So, normal and fun Halloween activities. He also figured he might be able to convince _someone_ in the family to pay him for a summoning, if all went well, and Klaus could use the extra cash anyways. 

On Halloween day, Klaus woke up on track with everyone else, beginning to get ready with a spring in his step he hadn't had since going clean. Harassing Regan in the afterlife had been eventually enough of a motivation to keep him sober in the short-term. 

He hadn't been anticipating the ghosts, too distracted for his own good to bother remembering the real reason he liked being on drugs. As he brushed his teeth, suddenly his mind had snapped into a separate headspace, the inky blackness between his world and whatever lay beyond. Ghouls came to him as fractions of full bodies, fractions of _people_. Same stares, same bloodshot eyes. Only when Allison nudged him, probably thinking he was half asleep, did Klaus return to the real world, spitting out in the sink and backing off. He'd been eager to get downstairs for breakfast, for once, but was forced to wait like usual as everyone trickled downstairs to stand by the table. Klaus felt more comfortable in his element, nudging the back of Ben's shin with his foot because Ben had stood in front of him and Klaus had just felt like pissing him off. There wasn't really anything Ben could say since Reginald was watching, and Klaus had known that. As Grace rang the bell and they all filed into their seats, Klaus began trying to shake off the feeling that something was deeply wrong. Of course something was wrong, he had to deal with his shitty life without the recluse he knew. He found he wasn't very hungry.

Klaus was once again pulled back under. They started to whisper his name, moving a little closer. They seemed to sway in the same way a heavy glass might just before it tipped over and broke into a million pieces. The oddest part though, was that the spirits lingered not in the in-between, not in a black void, but in the academy. A banshee screamed up by the second floor railing. Klaus wasn't used to spirits that were tied to physical places for no reason. He'd thought of the ghouls that chased him as more tied to him than the academy, and was still inclined to believe that was the case. But clearly, they also had more of a place in reality, too. So, the tormented entourage of spiritual baggage could watch him spoon oatmeal into his mouth at seven am on a Sunday. Great. Klaus had really been missing the spectres that had harassed him since he was a child having no way to come meet the family. 

Klaus fought to ignore them as best as he could, digging short nails into his knee and trying to think about how the sludge-y oatmeal was in his mouth. Besides him, Diego was playing with a knife. If he could just get through mealtime normally, for once he'd actually have something to focus on during training. Although they didn't physically exist, he still felt as if he was being watched. Spirits stood behind him, others around the room, and some even standing right through the dinner table. It felt _wrong_ , they had no place in the academy. Klaus didn't like that the ghosts were around his family, unbeknownst to any of the others. It was a crossing over of two distinct worlds, each second longer they existed in the same plane was a moment Klaus spent tense. The ghouls then began to single him out, dragging themselves closer. Klaus stared up at them, looking between them as bloated faces murmured. Then, a pair of hands wrapped around the frame of the chair he sat in. And another. And another. Wide-eyed, Klaus studied how the long fingertips seemed to curl around his chair, _holding_ it like one would any normal object. Then, after a slight pause, they began to move their hands back and forth rapidly, having enough strength altogether to make Klaus' chair shake and creak --even with Klaus on it. 

"Number Four," Reginald said sharply, staring down across the table at him, "stop that immediately. I wish to dine in peace." Nobody else said a word, although glancing around, Diego had tucked his knife away since Klaus had drawn attention over to them. But the ghouls did nothing to help Klaus avoid trouble, even as he braced his feet against the floor there was little he could do. Klaus had never been in a position where he'd needed to stop semi-corporeal ghosts. " _Number Four_?" Reginald repeated, although not in a concerned way, in a way that served more as a warning that he did not want to repeat himself. 

Klaus scrambled to try and answer, having been far too distracted by his anxiety around the vengeful spirits being able to touch shit in his real life. "I can't help it man, it's not m--"

"Enough of your excuses. I cannot expect a boy that can't control his own body to be useful on missions." The others exchanged glances. He turned to Grace, "escort Number Four to his room so that he may think about his actions." She nodded, walking over to Klaus and putting a hand on his shoulder. Klaus stood up reluctantly, deciding he didn't really want his oatmeal anyways. Better to take some time alone to hunt Regan down, the sooner he did that the sooner he could go to his pill stash. They'd been on their way, backs turned to the dining room, before Klaus realized that something was wrong. Something was missing. Feeling his heart sink, he stopped dead in his tracks, looking behind his shoulder at the dining room. Everyone else sat down, completely silent and eating. The ghouls loomed over them, over everyone but Reginald, a few to each of the other 'numbers'. He hadn't completely understood what was going on until bony hands reached forward, one of the ghouls acting with the intent of strangling Vanya and the others seeming similarly prepared. 

"No, stop!" Klaus yelled, the amount of fear in his voice strange, as he'd settled a few years ago on just joking about things that scared or hurt him. Instantly, everyone at the table turned to look at him, snapping away from their food. Diego, Luther, and Vanya wore various expressions of bewilderment. Ben, Five, and Allison seemed much more concerned. Reginald, of course, was seething and Pogo off in the corner seemed what Klaus would hesitantly place as cautious. 

"Number Four, any more disruptions and I will seriously consider taking more dramatic measures of punishment," Reginald apprised, drawing out a heavy sigh before getting out of his chair, straightening his suit jacket as he turned to face Klaus. There was a deep wrinkle between his bushy eyebrows, the corners of his lips pulled up into disdain. Klaus knew what that meant for him: an all-expenses paid stroll to the mausoleum. "You have seriously overstayed my civility." He couldn't really bring himself to care. The spirits, though distracted by what they were watching play out, wouldn't wait forever. What did they want? Klaus blocked out Reginald, as well as Grace lightly clearing her throat to try to clue him in. Did they want a body? To bring physical pain to any mortal soul? Klaus honestly didn't know and wasn't in any condition to try and tap into their feelings. But suddenly Reginald was taking a few steps closer from the dining room and Grace was nudging his arm and Allison looked like she wanted to say something and Ben was giving him a look that said 'cut it out, Klaus!' and--

Klaus panicked. The ghouls wanted a body? They'd get a body. He knew two things: first, the ghouls followed _him_ around, or had in the past under normal circumstances. Second, his being clean in tandem with Halloween was the best lead he had as to why this was what they were suddenly doing. He turned away from the dining room, racing towards the staircase, but purposefully not going up it. He stopped early, palms bracing onto the banister. It was quite obviously too thick to get a good leverage on --although a nice width to slide down--, but it would have to do. The intricately carved wood of the post led up to the top, which was squared off at the corners and sharp. Klaus had made the mistake of bumping into the edges a few times. He figured his best shot was trying to sever the connection between the real world and the ghosts, and short of making it _not_ Halloween, this was his best shot. 

"Save yourselves!" He blurted out dramatically. Before he could give himself any time to contemplate, he hunched over, throwing his head and shoulders back before aggressively slamming his forehead down onto the corner of the banister. They wanted a body, they'd get a body. His hands weaked around the divoted wood of the post, Klaus was dizzy and mad that he was still concious, because if he was concious, the ghouls could still definitely get his family. He found that he'd at some point let go of the banister, or the spirits had pulled the ground out from under his feet, as he'd been knocked down onto the cold floor. Grace was on him first, shifting Klaus so he looked up at the ceiling. His neck was cold because it was against the floor, and he was upset around that, muttering slurred words under his breath that had felt reasonable. The ceiling blurred in and out, he thought he saw the ghouls hovering over him one moment, and then Ben and Luther the next. 

  
  


\------*´｡*ﾟ

  
  


Klaus's eyes fluttered open. Everything was… grey? He sat up, looking around, yes, everything _was_ grey. At least his neck wasn't cold? Had he hit himself so hard in the head that he couldn't see colors? Looking down at himself, he noted he was still wearing the Umbrella Academy uniform, which was all grey except for the red blazer lining, the crest, and the red argyle squares. At least his sweater was still tucked into his shorts, that was a uniform alteration he absolutely lived by because it looked better (it was also the closest he'd ever gotten to being allowed to wear a stuffed belt with the uniform). A girl a couple years younger than him rung a bell on her bicycle, coming down a small hill towards him. Was someone playing musette or was that just him? Klaus opted to stand up. She slowed her bicycle, coming to a stop in front of him. 

"You're early," she said.

"I'm sorry?" Klaus asked. She shrugged.

"I suppose it doesn't really matter. A few decades is as to a few seconds. But I wasn't expecting _you._ "

He held his hands up in mock surrender, "sorry, your majesty." The girl eyed him. "Mind telling me where I'm early to?"

"The afterlife," she answered simply, like it was obvious. 

"Oh, just that huh?" Klaus snorted. He was more afraid than he'd say, gnawing on the inside of his cheek. What about his family, were they safe? Was it the _end_ for him? He had many questions but kept them to himself. 

"Well, considering there should be a hole in your skull, I don't know why that would be surprising."

"I didn't kill myself to be lectured on death," Klaus replied. She said nothing, seeming a little annoyed. "...Is everyone else okay?"

"That's not really my department."

Klaus was flabbergasted, "yeah, I mean, but you're God or whatever?!" She looked unfazed.

"Can't you just check?" Klaus pleaded, needing some answers. She held a hand up, studying at her nails briefly, as if uninterested.

"They're alive." Alive? What did that mean?

"Are they… you know… _themselves?_ " Klaus pushed.

"Yes," she responded, seeming a little surprised with him for asking, though her answer was sure.

Klaus sighed. "Well, I dodged a bullet there, then. Not literally. I mean, I ran right into danger. ...That one was literal." She didn't think it was very funny, and Klaus had kind of been hoping someone would laugh. "...So, where are you taking me?" He asked, a little awkwardly, when she didn't say anything.

"Nowhere. Not yet," she decided. "You're still early."

"How am I early if I'm here? Aren't I just right on time?" She shook her head. Klaus was still happy he didn't have to stay there, even if it meant dealing with Reginald's bullshit for three more years. Dying before eighteen was kind of lame, he'd barely lived long enough to use a fake license and needed a couple more years until he looked passably twenty-one. Besides, he didn't want any of the others to miss him, Klaus didn't want to be a burden in that way. It'd be better if he ended up dying somewhere else, after leaving the Umbrella Academy. "Alright, jeepers. I guess predestination it is."

"That's _not_ what I said."

"You implied it," Klaus pointed out, a little more at ease because he knew he wasn't going to stay in the afterlife. "Now, what about Ronald Regan? Is he here?"

"Did you know Ronald Regan?" She asked slowly.

"Uhm, yeah," he answered.

"You're lying," she decided. Klaus frowned.

"Can't you just lemme know if he's somewhere around here or, simmering in the lava pools of hell or whatever?"

"I can't, actually. Violates confidentiality." He cocked his head.

"Yeah, but you're still _God_ , aren't you? Who cares?"

"There's not much time. I'm sending you back now," she sighed. 

"Hey, wait! I still wanna know about Ron--"

  
  


\------*´｡*ﾟ

  
  


Klaus' eyes opened slowly, an artificial light immediately making him close them again. He brought up a hand, rubbing his eyelids. His whole body was a bit sluggish, but surprisingly warm, too. Klaus smiled. He felt tipsy.

"He's up!" A voice called. He thought it was Diego's.

Chairs scraped the floor and a few sets of feet came into the room. 

"Now children, don't overwhelm your brother too much," Grace warned gently. Klaus laughed, finally opening his eyes again, and sitting up. Grace stood beside him, Reginald was nowhere to be seen, probably too busy to watch his son literally come back from the dead. Ben was nearest, although everyone was trying to get a look at him. He moved to touch at the bandages wrapped around his head.

"Why'd you do it?" Luther asked bluntly. Grace shot him a bit of a disappointed look. Oh, right. They probably just thought he'd gone absolutely off the rails that morning. That was very funny to Klaus, and he was the only one laughing, finally catching his breath before trying to answer.

"Let's just say, you all should be feeling very thankful right now." None of them had any context, though Allison and Five seemed to be actually trying to work it out. Ben rolled his eyes.

"Grace had to scrub your brains off the staircase after performing surgery, _you_ should be thankful," Diego replied. Klaus stuck out his tongue.

"You're just jealous I'm getting a cool face scar before you." Diego looked genuinely taken back by that, regardless of whether or not it was true. 

Vanya's nose crinkled. "How do you… feel?'

"Better than ever, actually," Klaus answered.

"...That would be the oxycodone, mister Klaus," Pogo explained from the doorway. Klaus didn't know when he'd gotten there.

"Ah! We have that here?" Klaus grinned. "That's wonderful." He had a few new ideas, but just enough sense to keep it to himself. Allison still looked disappointed, though. Hopefully the injection would last long enough until he could get another fix to repel the ghosts. Klaus didn't think God would send him back just to have his family members finished off by vengeful spirits. She wasn't that cruel, right? 

"I knew you'd say that," Ben remarked. 

"It's nearly bedtime. I thought you'd want this," Five said suddenly, stepping closer and handing him a teddy bear Klaus used to hide his drugs in. But it'd definitely been empty, last time Klaus checked. Five had brought him weed? No way. He zipped open the back, even in front of Grace and Pogo. The inside of the bear was stuffed with candies. Klaus' grin fell, but the glee was replaced by a more genuine, subdued happiness. He zipped it back up, and Grace pretended to have not seen the contents. Pogo didn't ask.

"Thanks," Klaus replied. He meant it.


End file.
